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kilgore trout

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[10 Aug 2006|09:34pm]
dear diary, today was a good day. I'm sort of bored, in like a deep sense where I haven't done anything substantial in a long time, and I can feel myself decaying. I'd like to become a musical genius though, so I'm teaching myself piano, and I can already do two hands simultaneously playing different melodies. I don't have any music though, and I don't think you can just download some like you would tab for a guitar. so someone should send me a beginner's book sort of thing, but really only if it's designed for future geniuses, cause otherwise you're just wasting my time. also I'm gonna be moving soon into a pretty sweet house in somerville, and I'm gonna have three house-mates, one of whom is josh 2.0. now I'm going to watch "Chinatown" with rich, and the violence should satisfy my cravings.
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[11 May 2003|04:25pm]
click for slightly larger copy

this was my final project for my drawing class this semester. I like it but it took about 16 hours of pain to complete, which means never again. I'm back home now. need entertainment. ooh x-men.
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I can never think of appropriate titles [30 Apr 2003|06:27pm]
[ mood | touched ]

Life’s been pretty good for the past five months. A few crappy things probably happened at various times, but in general my life has been filled with pleasantness. Also, I think I’m a genius now, but more on that some other time. I have a girlfriend of whom I care for dearly. She wouldn’t appreciate my using her real name in this public forum, so I’ll call her Josh 2.0, as she is in many senses his replacement. Josh 2.0 kicks ass, and she’s a good influence on me because she’s so orderly. We talk about interesting stuff, hang out a lot, go to movies, go to shows, get it on. My brother claims it’s inevitable that we’ll be together for the rest of college, which sounds both intimidating and reassuring.

This school year’s almost over, which means I’m almost a quarter done with my undergraduate career, which means that, including graduate school, I only have like ten years left of schooling. That’s pretty sweet. So here’s my life plan: Either meet someone new or stay with Josh 2.0, but either way, be married by 27, get my Ph.D. at 28, work at a physics lab, but write novels on the side that penetrate and expose the ironies and pains of the human condition, and in a period of about 20 years win like 5 Pulitzers, move on to a life of public isolation, return another 20 years later to overwhelming media attention and glorification with a pretentious and outdated novel that fails to expose anything about anything, return to isolation, and 5 years later, in my last moments, dying on my bed, raise my arm to the ceiling as if struggling for something just out of reach, whisper "Light! More Light!" with what little strength I’ll have left, and collapse into death.

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[03 Jan 2003|06:35pm]
me wants me precious
more brains, please
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[17 Nov 2002|02:46am]
oh yeah, really weird, I went to a friend's house yesterday to watch eraserhead. another person I didn't know was there, and we got to talking after the movie. she lives in colorado, but it turns out she lived in maryland until eighth grade and almost went to my high school. then we realized we were in the same hebrew school class for like 5 years. she went to frost middle school and was friends with some of the people that I became friends with in high schoool a few years later. I know it's just a coincidence and I don't believe in fate or destiny, but geez, sometimes I really wonder.
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oh two to do, the more we made a high on the law (my computer typed this on its own) [17 Nov 2002|01:55am]
[ mood | predatory ]

I went into boston again tonight with some of my peeps, this time to see the great Robert Schimmel perform at the Comedy Connection. It was great, he was hilarious, but his entire act was about various types of sex with various animate and inanimate objects. Don't get me wrong though, I love a good joke about giving a dog a blow job just as much as the next guy, and I'm in general comfortable with the topic of bestiality, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was too young to be there. It probably has something to do with to the fact that I still consider myself physically equivalent to a twelve-year-old girl. But regardless, he was great, and at the end of the show he told us this performance had been recorded and would be released as his next official album, so my laughter will soon be heard across the nation.

After the show, we walked around harvard square for a while, but apparently everything closes at around 10, or at least everything available to an 18-year-old. It was pouring and freezing, yet still somehow the streets seemed beautiful. It actually snowed earlier today, which confuses me because I think it's still November.

We got on the bus back to brandeis from harvard square, and a drunk harvard student got on with us and started calling one of the female members of my clan an asshole. Normally I would be like "yo, bitch, back up," and then I'd follow it with a quick left jab to the jaw, but something else was holding my attention. The bus driver's approximately ten-year-old son was sitting next to me and had fallen asleep on my shoulder, and suddenly images of uteri and mammary glands flooded by brain, and all I could think of was how glorious it would be to expose my teat right there and force the young boy to suck. Upon leaving, I contemplated taking him with me, sneaking him past his father under the cover of my shirt, but my instincts told me his life would be better if he remained on the bus, in the care of someone who'd remember to feed him, rather than force him into slavery.

The offensive harvard guy got off on our campus, and began vomiting and peeing on one of our buildings, clearly as an act of war. I began staring at him, waiting for him to zip up and look back. He saw me, I smiled, he smiled. I looked left, he looked right, and then I beheaded him with a single strike. I lifted his now limp body up above me, above the flame created by the intensity of my chi, and bathed myself in the blood that poured from his severed veins. The other brandeis students looked at me, at once thankful for and horrified by a power they could not comprehend. I lowered his charred flesh, recalling what it once was, and ate the tortured remains.

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I can play my ribcage like a xylophone [02 Nov 2002|10:07pm]
[ mood | curious ]

two fortune cookies in a row: "chances are present to make huge personal gains." "a friend will soon send a loving message."

someone is trying to tell me something, and I think that someone is my penis

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married to a frenchman [20 Oct 2002|04:19pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

On the verge of murdering my roommate. He's sitting behind me talking on the phone to his girlfriend back home in conneticut. Everything he says is so sweet and loving, but it's sweetness to the point of idiocy. They actually do the "I love you more/ No, I love you more" routine, except it's not a routine. They're totally serious, and for this they will be murdered and their bodies disposed of accordingly. They talk to each other like children, using cuddly and fuzzy voices that make me want to stab them in the head. And they never talk about anything substantial, or at least nothing I consider substantial. It's always about how much they love each other, and that neither of them could even imagine being attracted to anyone else. And don't think this is jealousy on my part. Granted, I want a relationship, but not like this. Not like this. Let me just make clear that I consider myself lucky to have him as a roommate. He's really a good person and his death will totally be a tragedy. But he also does way too much "jewish" humor, i.e., humor somehow relating to the jewish people. And while there's nothing inherently wrong with that type of humor, (although josh would certainly disagree) enough is enough, especially when he knows I don't even understand his various references to ancient rabbis and classical wenches.

whoa, I know kung-fu

I attended a dance last night entitled "the less you wear, the less you pay." I wore the outfit shown above, and was only required to pay a single dollar, whereas the remaining members of my group each had to pay three. It was a small victory, but a victory nonetheless. A senior that I spoke with at lunch a few weeks ago actually told me that every year she goes to the dance naked, except for a bit of latex covering a single breast. That means her vagina would be exposed, and I would be able to see it. But I saw it not, nor did I see her at all, nor did I even see anything worth mentioning here, perhaps in part because the lights were turned down so low. Disappointing to say the least.

Now I have like 6 hours of physics homework to do. This is an improvement over the previous weeks' 10 hour assignments, as my professor finally looked at the questions he was assigning, and realized they were too difficult to give so many of them. Another small victory for me, another small victory for democracy.

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my roots are strong and deep [30 Sep 2002|10:57am]
[ mood | touched ]

The foam dance two nights ago was fantastic. About 30 people at a time dancing in a giant pit of what both smelled and stung like soap. At one point in the evening, when all were blinded, I successfully employed the classic simpsons quote, "MY EYES, THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!" It was perhaps my finest reference ever. I had been warned, prior to attending, that this annual event was actually one of the most erotic festivals on campus, and that groping was not only welcomed but encouraged. Of course, if you have any idea who I am, you'll know that I'm too much of a gentlemen to perform sexual actions while dancing in foam, but I did manage to accidentally assault a girl from behind, and rather than be annoyed or humiliated by this, her immediate response was to be aroused. In retrospect, this gives me both great pleasure and great regret. Pleasure because I now know that I can attract women by attacking them, and regret because I could have been getting my mack on hardcore right there, but instead I smiled stupidly at her and turned away, like an 18th century british orphan chimney sweep, completely oblivious to the world that exists around me.

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stop, collaborate, and listen [26 Sep 2002|01:50am]
[ mood | listless ]

ok I really need to improve all of my habits otherwise I’m not going to live until the age of reproduction. If this was a more primitive society I think I’d totally be dead right now. I can’t even remember to eat at times. One of the most basic animal instincts is the drive to eat, and I don’t think I have it. I’ll get back from class at 12 planning on just dropping off my books and then heading over to the Sherman dining facility, but then my computer starts talking to me in this sweet pathetic neglected voice and I feel like, hey, what if I just sit down and maybe download some tunes, talk to some people on the IM, and then I’ll be out in like 15 minutes. Of course I wake up 3 hours later with my face in a puddle of what I assume to be my own drool, cold urine on my leg, slowly dripping out the bottom of my pants, and I wonder how the time could have gone by so quickly. This happens every single day. Seriously. The existence of computers is like a catch-22 for me. If they exist then they occupy all my time and I never meet people, but if they don’t exist then I have no way to make a living and the females of the species would have no desire to bear my children.

People are supposed to have at least two good bowel movements a day, and I have only one every two days. That’s the inverse of healthy. It’s not like I don’t have to go, though, I mean my body is still producing things that need to be evacuated, it’s just that I have almost no will power. And I still feel uncomfortable going while seated next to someone else carrying out similar actions. This is especially true if I can see their shoes from underneath the stall wall. The level of intimacy provided in this situation is something I am really not mature enough to handle. We had a vote last week at a hall meeting regarding whether or not girls would be allowed to use our bathroom. Without hesitation I voted against allowing them access. It seemed to be initially split about 50-50 but in the end we all agreed amicably to not let them because some people had "religious issues" and everyone respects those. I think some of the guys who voted for letting the girls in were a bit confused about the implications. Sharing a bathroom with the opposite sex is not sexy. Maybe showers are sexy, but by far the equipment most utilized in the bathroom is the toilet, and toilets and the things people do with them are pretty much exclusively unattractive.

There’s another thing I have a problem with. Let me first say that this may be construed as disgusting by some people so this paragraph is optional and subsequent paragraphs will not refer to content provided in this one. I think it’s fairly obvious what I’m going to talk about now. Yes, masturbation. I’ve only done it 4 times since arriving here a month ago, which is not only incredibly frustrating, but also I think it’s unhealthy. I’m not sure about this but I recall hearing that guys need to ejaculate regularly in order to "clean out" the prostate. But this brings up another point. Namely, I have no idea what the prostate is, except that it might be located somewhere close to my genitalia (perhaps it’s part of the genitalia?) and it’s at some point going to kill me. I clearly can’t masturbate when my roommate’s in the room. That would make our relationship really awkward. The best time would be on either tuesday or friday morning because my classes don’t start until an hour and a half after his, which means I can secretly wake up at the same time as him, pretend to be asleep, wait for him to leave, and then start hacking away, but the problem is that I always have to urinate in the morning before doing anything else, and as I flush, down with the urine goes my sex drive. So I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll start doing it in the woods out behind my dorm. What I really need is a fucking girlfriend already. I’m 18 years old for heaven’s sake. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. This has gone on too long and I forgot if I had a point. Leave me alone you bastards

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you were the first one, and I would like to say... [12 Sep 2002|10:52am]
[ mood | content ]

My roommate and I are finally at a stage in our relationship where farting in front of each other is totally acceptable, even slightly encouraged. Blame is no longer ducked, false accusations are no longer required, and perhaps even more importantly, the awkwardness associated with pretending that nothing at all happened during a painfully obvious smell is forever gone.

"Hey, Daniel, was that you?" asks my roommate.
"Yes, Roommate, it was," I calmly reply. "I am responsible for the horrific odor you now must deal with."
"I respect your honesty, integrity, and humanity. Thank you."
"No, thank you."

Last night’s hall meeting was a small educational program regarding safe sex. The female student leading the program showed us how to put on a condom, and informed us of various other intelligent precautions we should take. Now, by and large, I consider myself a reasonably mature individual, but once the female finished her demonstration with the giant dildo, she continued to hold it and wave it around as a pointer, occasionally tapping it against her head to assist in her thinking. This was too much for me to handle, never before have I been called on to ask a question by being pointed at by an imposter penis.

Also noteworthy was the skimpy shirt worn by this female, which, in combination with no bra and the process of bending over, provided me with my first in-person look at a boob in approximately 17 years, or however long it’s been since I stopped being breastfed.

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the proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains [09 Sep 2002|03:16pm]
[ mood | determined ]

everyone should vote for robert reich in the massachusetts democratic gubernational primaries.

stupublicans* have run our state for far too long!

I just attended a speech given by him and I can say with the clearest of conscience that he is a friend of the working man, a person for all people, dedicated to closing the gaps currently accelerating apart, diving the rich and poor.

the relevance of this public service announcement may be limited by the fact that my target audience contains no registered massachusetts voters, let alone people who live in massachusetts, but I am but one man and this is all I have to offer

* "stupublicans," a mocking of the word "republicans" and of the actual republicans themselves, was coinded by the late alan g. in the fall of 1999

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your ballroom days are over, baby [07 Sep 2002|02:16am]
[ mood | drained ]

the first meeting of the dance dance revolution club was held about 6 hours ago, and all of the returning members together comprise perhaps the strangest group of people I’ve ever encountered. thus I am required to continue attending as both recreation and social experiment. I had never played before, which means that I currently suck, but I’m willing to put in the work necessary to improve. it was intimidating and inspirational watching some of the more seasoned players, who were capable of contorting their bodies in horrifying ways. that lasted an hour and a half, and then an hour later “the royal tenenbaums” was playing in one of the student theatres, and it was totally awesome because only about 20 people showed up and they were all really cool.

also, no one was standing at the door of the theatre to collect the expected $1 fee, which means I still have $4 with me which is enough to get into boston tomorrow and find a bank so I can pay to see this with her.

someone offered me drugs the other day, and it was simultaneously unsettling and refreshing. unsettling because I have never been offered before and I was hesitant to say no, even though I had no intention of trying it then. marijuana I think it was, but I decided not to engage the guy in conversation to find out. I don’t have anything morally against marijuana, or “pot” as I believe it is sometimes referred, and I will probably try it eventually, but not then, and definitely not from that guy who appeared to crawl out from under a bench, perhaps hiding there due to frustration from having been born 35 years too late, as evidenced by both his mannerisms and attire. and the offer was refreshing because it means I apparently I don’t look as tightly wound as I thought. but then again, the guy was probably using whatever it was he was offering, so his vision might have been a bit out of focus.

in fencing class today I actually got to hold a foil and lunge. I have yet to impale anyone, but I await the opportunity with great anticipation.

my roommate went home for rosh hashanah, which, for you non-hebrews, is the jewish new year. I feel like I’m back at home in maryland now that I’m alone in my room sitting at my computer.

lots of other things happened. they will not be mentioned because I sleep now.

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a night of epileptic dancing [05 Sep 2002|07:54pm]


cruisin' for a bruisin'Collapse )
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from a foreign land [05 Sep 2002|01:08pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]

This has been without out a doubt the most successful transition into a new environment that I’ve ever made. I always expect myself to be outgoing and highly adaptive when confronted with a foreign setting, such as the sleepaway camp I used to attend, or the trip to Israel I took a few years ago, but two summers of camp passed before I was able to make any lasting or at least temporarily meaningful friendships, and the only friends from the Israel trip that I continue to communicate with had been friends of mine prior to the trip back in America. Foolish idealist that I seem to be, I expected college to be immediately gratifying, but for the first time now my idealism is justified, and I’m actually bewildered, because at some level I know I thought it would be just like the rest of my experiences.

Anyway, the point is that I’m really happy now, probably happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’m introducing myself to people, having extended conversations, and when time doesn’t permit a conversation, I at least try to smile and wave. These are not actions that the Daniel most people know would take. Repeatedly, I had been told to expect to become a different person, that college changes people, but to change so dramatically so quickly is shocking to me, almost unbelievable, suggesting that perhaps I had completed the change before arriving here, and only now that I no longer have the comfort of a well defined group of friends who have a well defined definition of me, can the changes take affect.

A surprising aspect of the friends I’ve made so far is that the majority of them are female. In fact, my two closest friends here right now are female. Perhaps this just reflects the fact that the male to female ratio at brandeis is 2:3, but I’d like to think there’s a more significant explanation, eventhough I have no idea what it could be. I’m a male, by the way, in case that wasn’t clear.

Yes, I should write in here more often now because none of my classes are very writing intensive and I want not to get rusty.

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I wonder how soon and with what frequency I'll be having sex [23 Aug 2002|11:25pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I'm completely exhausted in every possible sense. college for leave I 11 hours in. said goodbye to someone today. said goodbye to somebody else yesterday. josh has been gone for 3 days now and I haven't spoken to him yet. can't go to the modest mouse concert in boston in a couple days because 1.) I'd have to go alone, 2.) I don't know how to get there, and 3.) I don't have tickets. the last one is the biggest impediment. I'll try to get a couple hours sleep tonight, but of course I've left all my packing until right now. maybe I'll cry. no, just kidding. I only cry during movies.

I never wrote about my family beach vacation, and my one entry about my job was really only indirectly related. my stories are good. you will probably like them. therefore I won't write them for fear of being judged.

woh, someone added me to their friends list. how alarming. I must reciprocate this offer of good will.

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these boots are made for larvae [10 Aug 2002|12:28am]
[ mood | irritated ]

for most inanimate objects, an extended period without use will have little if any effect. a little dusting or scrubbing will clear up the residue that built up and crusted over the years. unfortunately, objects with crevices, such as the foot slot of a boot, prove to be excellent dwellings for arachnids, which currently inhabit my father’s twenty year old pair. I’ll need the boots to survive in boston’s arctic climate, but I’m hesitant to stick my feet in, as I’ve turned the boots upside down, shaken them, and witnessed the escape of at least a half dozen eggs, all of which looked to have been dead for at least a year. the mother fell out as well, and quickly disintegrated as I attempted to pick her up with a tissue. this was an unpleasant experience for me, and I thought you deserved to know.

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sponge out the funk [09 Aug 2002|10:33am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

apparently I don’t know how to use my camera. upon inspection after uploading the pictures, I realized I had red-eye removal turned on the whole time. I don’t know if that’s the cause of whatever effect one might call that which plagues these pictures, but something, or perhaps even some things, went wrong.

anyway, without further ado, in the grand tradition of ivy, and her father before her, ding, I present you with pictures from a concert I attended:

American Analog Set and Her Space Holiday – 8/7/02 at the Black Cat



Click here or click the picture above for more

I don't claim to be an artist-photographer, so please don't hold these to any unreasonable standards

The her space holiday set was pitch black except for a few light shows. Due to a battle with timidity, I was unable to capture all but the last spectacular festival of light. The pictures are, unfortunately, largely unintelligible and unspectacular, and you will therefore, without having attended the show, never experience them at the level I am capable of.

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college is already more than worth the money [22 Jul 2002|10:57am]
[ mood | chipper ]

I now have space on the internet and can post anything I want, as long as it's not pornographic and doesn't infringe on any copyrights

glass of water on desk

me in front of mirror next to milk shake machine

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light! more light! [18 Jul 2002|04:07pm]
[ mood | curious ]

my calculator watch died today, just ten minutes ago. I’ve had it for five years, since my bar-mitzvah. as I fortunately lack the knowledge of feelings associated with the death of a very close human, I can only assume that what I feel now reflects, however dimly, that pain.

please reread that last sentence and tell me if it offended you, because I think it offended me. I just became disgusted with myself for writing that and I was confused as to how I could think the death of a watch and the death of a human were comparable, but I realize the answer is that sometimes I try to just throw in images that seem powerful without realizing that they often carry more weight than I intended to use. a similar thing happened when I wrote that never-published article on religion for the school newspaper right after the terrorist attacks. I used what I thought were powerful images for effect without considering if they really even applied to the article. the results of that were of course disastrous, specifically for me personally, as I let a friend read it who happened to be religious, yet I appear not to have learned anything, or maybe I have by now addressing it.

of course, maybe I’m being ridiculously over-sensitive and I’m the only one offended

I hope this doesn’t seem too melodramatic

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