kilgore trout (lefthanded) wrote,
kilgore trout
lefthanded

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stop, collaborate, and listen

ok I really need to improve all of my habits otherwise I’m not going to live until the age of reproduction. If this was a more primitive society I think I’d totally be dead right now. I can’t even remember to eat at times. One of the most basic animal instincts is the drive to eat, and I don’t think I have it. I’ll get back from class at 12 planning on just dropping off my books and then heading over to the Sherman dining facility, but then my computer starts talking to me in this sweet pathetic neglected voice and I feel like, hey, what if I just sit down and maybe download some tunes, talk to some people on the IM, and then I’ll be out in like 15 minutes. Of course I wake up 3 hours later with my face in a puddle of what I assume to be my own drool, cold urine on my leg, slowly dripping out the bottom of my pants, and I wonder how the time could have gone by so quickly. This happens every single day. Seriously. The existence of computers is like a catch-22 for me. If they exist then they occupy all my time and I never meet people, but if they don’t exist then I have no way to make a living and the females of the species would have no desire to bear my children.

People are supposed to have at least two good bowel movements a day, and I have only one every two days. That’s the inverse of healthy. It’s not like I don’t have to go, though, I mean my body is still producing things that need to be evacuated, it’s just that I have almost no will power. And I still feel uncomfortable going while seated next to someone else carrying out similar actions. This is especially true if I can see their shoes from underneath the stall wall. The level of intimacy provided in this situation is something I am really not mature enough to handle. We had a vote last week at a hall meeting regarding whether or not girls would be allowed to use our bathroom. Without hesitation I voted against allowing them access. It seemed to be initially split about 50-50 but in the end we all agreed amicably to not let them because some people had "religious issues" and everyone respects those. I think some of the guys who voted for letting the girls in were a bit confused about the implications. Sharing a bathroom with the opposite sex is not sexy. Maybe showers are sexy, but by far the equipment most utilized in the bathroom is the toilet, and toilets and the things people do with them are pretty much exclusively unattractive.

There’s another thing I have a problem with. Let me first say that this may be construed as disgusting by some people so this paragraph is optional and subsequent paragraphs will not refer to content provided in this one. I think it’s fairly obvious what I’m going to talk about now. Yes, masturbation. I’ve only done it 4 times since arriving here a month ago, which is not only incredibly frustrating, but also I think it’s unhealthy. I’m not sure about this but I recall hearing that guys need to ejaculate regularly in order to "clean out" the prostate. But this brings up another point. Namely, I have no idea what the prostate is, except that it might be located somewhere close to my genitalia (perhaps it’s part of the genitalia?) and it’s at some point going to kill me. I clearly can’t masturbate when my roommate’s in the room. That would make our relationship really awkward. The best time would be on either tuesday or friday morning because my classes don’t start until an hour and a half after his, which means I can secretly wake up at the same time as him, pretend to be asleep, wait for him to leave, and then start hacking away, but the problem is that I always have to urinate in the morning before doing anything else, and as I flush, down with the urine goes my sex drive. So I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll start doing it in the woods out behind my dorm. What I really need is a fucking girlfriend already. I’m 18 years old for heaven’s sake. Anyway, I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. This has gone on too long and I forgot if I had a point. Leave me alone you bastards
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